Here is my story...
I found out I was pregnant on January 12, 2012. At first, I didn't think I was pregnant because the second line was very faint. I kept going into the bathroom to look at it and sure it enough it got just a little darker. Right away I "Googled" faint line on a pregnancy and found that faint lines usually meant a positive result. For so long I thought that I would never have children because of what my mom went through and just because I couldn't picture it. I know it was just me being crazy and not being able to vision myself having kids because I never thought I could be blessed with such a wonderful thing, a child. I was so scared when I found out because I was unsure how Josh would feel about it. He was so quiet and he always held the excitement in. There were times when he would just let it all out and tell me how he couldn't wait. I immediately took hold of the idea that I was pregnant and started downloading every pregnancy app on my phone. I was very excited and had a hard time keeping it to myself. I told a few people at work that week and right away called a doctor to confirm.
January 16, 2012 I went for blood work and on the 18th I found out I was 5 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I wanted to wait to tell everyone until I was at least 12 weeks but I just couldn't hold it in. I was so excited and so proud that we had created this life. I was going to be a mother. I was always so scared that I would hurt the baby if I would even bend down or move the wrong way, especially at work. I made sure I did everything right and took care of the two of us. I immediately quit smoking, went crazy over the border in his room, got all the big things for him early because I was so excited, took so many pictures of my growing belly, saved all his ultrasounds, made copies, started a scrapbook, logged all the doctor appointments, made sure he was always fed, took my prenatal vitamins, and always made sure he knew love. I ended up leaving work when I was only 16 weeks because 10 hour days with one 20 minute lunch and no breaks was too much. I remember coming home, eating something quick, laying down on the couch, and not be able to move the rest of the night because my back was in so much pain. As if the pain wasn't enough, people at work were talking bad about me because I was having such a hard time. One comment I got, from someone who I thought was my friend, was "your pregnant, not crippled". I was tired from the pregnancy and pain from the long days but I never once acted like I couldn't work; all I wanted was a break. Anyway, moving on, I was so scared to leave work but it ended up being the best thing. I lost my insurance and had to go on Medical Assistance (which I am so grateful for because we would be forever in debt).
Looking back, I am not sure why, I wanted a girl. Everyone thought it was a girl and we were pretty much set on the idea. We found out at 18 weeks and 2 days that it was, without a doubt, a boy. I was taken back by the idea at first but I ended up being relieved that it was a boy. We decided to name him, Joshua Daniel Lyons. When they weighed me at my next appointment, which was the day after the gender scan, they said I had gained 13 pounds since the last appointment. He gave me a lecture on watching what I was eating and that milk and bread were making me gain all this weight. I knew that it wasn't what I was eating but I did what he said anyway, after all he is MY doctor (this was actually my first time meeting him). Looking back, I am so mad at this because this was the first big sign that something was wrong and we could of found out earlier. I had to start seeing Jen (the midwife I saw all the other times) at a new office since I had changed my insurance and the other office did not accept it.
The next 10 weeks went by as normal and since I was 28 weeks pregnant, it was time for an anatomy scan to see how he was growing. The ultrasound tech said that he was measuring a week behind but wasn't concerned. I got a call the next day from Jen's office to tell me that they wanted me to come in the following day. They didn't say much but I knew that something was wrong, either with me or the baby. It was on June 27, 2013, 28 Weeks and 4 days, that everything changed. She explained to me that the ultrasound showed the there was fluid around his lung called a pleural effusion.
Fetal pleural effusions (also known as fetal hydrothorax) are abnormal accumulations of fluid in the chest cavity. The fluid exists between the lungs and the chest wall and can be on the left, right or both sides. As the fluid increases, it can compress the other structures in the chest such as the lungs and heart. Severe pleural effusions can result in poor development of the lungs or heart failure. Causes of the pleural effusion may include infection, heart conditions, genetic or chromosome problems, abnormal lymph drainage or lung problems but in most cases are unknown.
To go most of my pregnancy thinking everything is great and he is doing fine to finding out that there could be something bad causing this. Jen had referred me to a Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor at Lehigh Valley Hospital so that they can do a better ultrasound and see how much fluid is actually there. A week later, on July 1st at 29 weeks and 1 day, I got the call from the hospital to come in for my appointment. They wanted us to come for 10:30/11:00AM but it was 9:00AM, Josh was at work, and it was an hour away; we ended up waiting an hour and a half to be seen.
They brought us back into this dark little room that had very dim lighting. They first had an ultrasound tech perform another growth scan so that the doctor can take a look at them before he comes in. They looked at every inch of his body, even his hands, or so they tried. He was moving around too much so they switched from 2D to 3D and I was able to get my first 3D picture of my sweet boy.
Then the bad news came. They had found that there was also fluid in his forehead as well as around his lung, I had 34cm of amniotic fluid when the normal is 24cm, and he had a two vessel umbilical cord. They said that he looked fine structurally but something was going on inside. They gave us two options; get blood taken, which would give minimal results, or amniocentesis. We chose the amniocentesis because we needed to know so that we can get to the bottom of this. There was another doctor who had said that the best option for Joshua was to remove the fluid around his lung since we were going to do the amnio. The first needle went below my belly button to collect a couple viles of the amniotic fluid. The second needle was very long and that one went to the left of my belly button. It was the worst pain I have ever felt because the needle didn't go straight down; they had to move it in different directions so that they can get it in the right spot. There are two things that amaze me to this day; the fact that they were able to do that without harming him and that I got through such pain. All I could do was squeeze Josh's hand and concentrate on breathing. They said that this was going to make him feel better and let his lungs develop more but in order for that to happen they would have to give me a steroid shot. They took me upstairs to the maternity ward so I could be put on a monitor to make sure I didn't go into pre-term labor. I would definitely put this into the top 10 of worst pain/worst experience list.
We found out 2 days later that the amniocentesis came back normal and he did not have Down Syndrome or Trisomy 13, 18, or 21. Our next appointment was on my birthday with Dr. Rust. They did another ultrasound but were concentrating on his heart this time. Once they looked over the pictures, Dr. Rust sat down with us and said that it looks like his heart was not pumping right and that is why the fluid was getting backed up around his lung. Luckily, the fluid did not come back around his lung and the fluid in his forehead was gone. Our next step was to meet with a Pediatric Cardiologist.
So once again we were passed on to the next doctor, but this time we would have to go to Philadelphia to the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia, aka CHOP, 2 hours away. On August 14, Josh, his mother, and I arrived in Philadelphia for our appointment with the Fetal Heart Program. They did another Echocardiogram, my fourth and most painful yet. After an hour for the ultrasound and almost an hour of waiting, the doctor came in with the clinical coordinator. She explained that it was still not exactly clear if it was one thing or another and that the baby was right in the middle. She said either Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome or Mitral Stenosis. She said that he will definitely need heart surgery and when he is born he will be put on medication to keep the hole in his heart from closing to keep him stable so that they can do an echocardiagram. So if I went into labor at home then I would have to go to Lehigh, an hour away, and they would have to life-flight him to Philly and I wouldn't see him until I would recover. They discussed applying to the Ronald McDonald house so we would have somewhere to stay while the baby recovers from surgery. If that wasn't an option then we would have to stay in a hotel or one of the rooms in the hospital. The next step to take was to come back for a 6-8 hour appointment to meet with a bunch of doctors and go over everything.
This appointment was very long and included a 2 hour ultrasound, a meeting with the genetic counselor, and another meeting with one of the doctors. That was a very hard meeting to sit through. She basically told us that she had found more wrong with him on the ultrasound. She said that he had a small stomach and that he had a Tracheoesophageal Fistula. There were a couple of other things wrong with his vertebrae but she said that all of this leads back to something called VACTREL. Since he had cardiac anomalies and other issues associated with that, that's where she thought the other problems were coming from. We were able to set up a date for me to be induced, September 8, 2013 at 5:30PM.
September 4, 2013
This was my last appointment before my son would make his arrival. It was basically the last check up with an appointment with one of the lactation consultants. I had a hard time sleeping that night because I was very anxious but also very big since I was 38 weeks pregnant and had to pee every hour. It was around 4:30AM when I got up to go to the bathroom and when I laid back down I felt such a weird feeling from my little guy. The only way to describe the feeling was as if he had taken his legs, pushed them off the bottom of my belly, and tried to jump out. It didn't hurt but I really really felt him. So not thinking anything of it I laid back down to try and get some rest. The day started off normal except for having some uncomfortable cramping on the drive there but I didn't think much of it. We arrived in Philadelphia for our last appointment before I was to be induced. We went back into one of the rooms and the midwife started going over the whole procedure. She made me feel so much better about where I was going to stay because I was so scared and nervous about it. Before we moved on to the next appointment, she wanted to check the baby. I laid down and she put the monitor on my belly. She moved it further down thinking that he was just really low and being stubborn. She left the room to go get the doppler machine and after she walked out I looked at Josh and said, "that's not good". Instead of the doppler, she wanted us to go into the ultrasound room. We went down the hall to the ultrasound room and I laid down like normal, hoping everything was ok, but still thinking that this isn't normal. As soon as my son came on the screen, I knew. There he was.. lifeless... still.. no movement. The lady doing the ultrasound immediately looked over at the midwife, who was standing by the door, and I will never forget the look on her face when she looked at me and said "I'm sorry".
"NOOO.. NO.. NO.. NOOOO" were the words I screamed over and over as I sobbed. So many things flashing through my brain at once. How? Why did this happen? How do I live now? What about all of his things and his room? I even thought to myself that this was also the end of my relationship with Josh. I don't know why I thought that but it ran through my mind. Then I heard Josh crying and I wanted to die. To hear how hurt he was made me crumble inside, even more than I was. The second he grabbed me I felt like it was me and now I am ruining Josh's life. The doctor I met with the week before came in and I begged her to check again. For a second I had hope and felt a sense of calm but he was gone. My baby, my everything, the life I had planned... his life... gone.. done.. no more. As if the pain of loosing him wasn't enough, they started pushing the fact that he had to be delivered. I just kept telling myself "I can't do this". Then the time came for me to start the rest of this life. The rest of this life that consisted of excruciatingly painful moments that make this new life hard to live. The doctor walked us out, her arm around me, into the waiting room, that was filled with pregnant women, to a small room we were in the week before discussing his birth. They all starred at me as I came out trying so hard not to cry but doing a horrible job at it because I was sobbing into her chest as I tried to cover my face. We were given a moment to talk about what we wanted to do. What did I want to do? Disappear. They gave us the option to go home and deliver or stay there and be induced that day. Going home was out of the question because there was no way any of us could get in a car and drive for 2 hours knowing that he was gone. They had walked us down to the rooms and put us in the last one at the end of the hall so we weren't around anyone having live babies I guess. They even put a picture on our door so that people would know how to "behave" around us. I went into the bathroom to put on the hospital gown and just starred at my belly. I just stood there and cried for I don't even know how long. The feeling I had and still have is indescribable. The only way I could describe it is feeling so overwhelmed with sadness that it actually hurts physically... like that sadness is sitting on your chest.. taking the life right out of you. Looking at myself in the mirror was the hardest until it came time to call my mom. I'm not exactly sure how the conversation started but what I do remember is that I told her that they couldn't find his heartbeat. All I can recall from that conversation is her saying "WHAT?". If you knew my mom you would understand. She basically was getting mad that the doctors told me that.. it was like she thought they were wrong and just jerking me around. It's sad to think back on because she didn't understand that he died until I explained it to her. I was kind of mad at the time because she was getting so angry but once it sunk in then she started crying.. and my mom does not cry.. so when she does it's hard for me to hear. I wish so badly that she was there.. I wish a lot of people were there to see him. I hate that we were so far away but relieved at the same time because they took such good care of us. It was around 11AM when they inserted the medicine to start labor. They told me that it will be 4 hours until they would give me anymore and that it could be another day yet before I had him. Well they came back in 4 hours to give me more but I had already started to dilate. It was around 4PM when she broke my water and it didn't take long for the cramping to start. I'm not sure what time it was when the pain started to get worse and they gave me Nubain to ease it a little. The nurse told me to just go with it and right after that I was basically passing out. That got me through the next hour and once that wore off then I started to really feel it. The pain started to get so intense and breathing was not making it any better. The pain was so bad and I didn't know what to do; all I could do is rock my body back and forth, like I was trying to fight it off. Since the pain was getting worse I decided to go for the epidural. When the anesthesiologist started putting in the epidural I immediately moved because the feeling was so uncomfortable. I was in so much pain and I tried to stay still but I swear he didn't know what he was doing. He had to take it out and try one more time. The feeling was just as bad as the contractions. So once he was done they had me lay back, which felt so weird and I tried fighting them on the subject but they said I had to. The nurse told me that there was a button I can press to give me more medicine when I needed; it felt like ice running through my body. So I'm laying there waiting for this to work so I can get some relief but only the right side of my body felt slightly numb. I felt most of the pain right around my hip on my left side and there was no relief. I must of pressed that button a couple hundred times because it wasn't working. I'm not sure if it was me that messed the epidural or the ignorant man who put it in. I remember thinking to myself that the pain was so bad and I probably had hours to go until it was time; I was sure I was only half way dilated. Then Karen, the midwife, came in and checked me; to my surprise, I was 10 cm. I told them that I was not getting any relief from the epidural and they told me that there was another anesthesiologist on call to see if there was anything else he can do. It seemed like it took him hours to get to the room just because I felt the urge to push real bad. Let me tell you, the intense pain and needing to push is the absolute worst thing anyone can feel. I didn't even know what he was doing to me when he finally got there but I just went with it. He took the epidural out and gave me a spinal. Thank god for that. It was so much easier than the epidural but so hard to sit up while wanting to push when he was doing it. Once he was done, they laid me back and I was ready. Karen sat down on the end of the bed and held my right leg while I grabbed my left and pushed. At this time, Josh was still sitting with his mom, I think in shock. She asked him if he wanted to come be with me so he got up and stood on the right side of the bed. I'm glad he did but at the time I was even concerned with it. Karen was so amazing and I am so glad that she was there with me that day. I'm sure they say this to every woman in labor but she kept telling me that I was doing so good; basically just giving me such positive encouragement. I am very thankful because that is what got me through. With the spinal, it felt like I was pushing and nothing was happening until he started crowning. I didn't feel pain but I felt the stretching. I kept asking her after every push if it was almost over. I pushed for about a half an hour and at 7:34 PM on September 4, 2013, Joshua Daniel Lyons was born still.
I thought I would be too scared to look at him but once he entered this world, that was all I wanted to do. The thought of his silence and not hearing him cry never crossed my mind for some reason. This was my first pregnancy, my first baby, and I really didn't know what to expect. I didn't get to hold him right away because she handed him to one of the nurses. Joshua weighed 6 pounds, 2.5 ounces and was 20 inches long. It's funny because I weighed 6lbs, 3oz when I was born. They asked me if I wanted to give him a bath and I ended up saying no because I was so tired. Now, that is the one thing I regret. I wish so badly I would have because that was my only chance. It might have been better though because the nurse said that his skin started peeling when she was washing him. He was very purple and swollen but he looked perfect to me. He had his fathers nose, lips, and even the same eyebrows that made him look mad just like it does to Josh. When Josh takes his glasses off you can really see it. I was mentally numb, in shock, and the sobs would come in spurts. I'd be fine one minute and the next I would lose it. It's a feeling that no one will ever experience or understand unless it happened to them. You hurt emotionally but there is physical pain that comes with it. It's hard to describe but I felt it in my chest.. like I was getting hit by a linebacker. The thought of knowing that this terrible, unimaginable nightmare has happened to you and there is nothing you can do to change it.. this thought creates the pain. It's like you hit a wall.. because you want so badly to have your child and live the life you planned on but you can't. To look forward knowing it's going to hurt so bad and be so hard.. everything your going to have to do. It's just..... an impossible feeling.
I didn't feel any of this while I was holding my son. Even though he was gone and even though I was so extremely tired, I held my little boy for hours. They kept asking me if I was ok holding him but I probably would of snapped if someone tried to take him from me. I was just very content laying there with him, feeling his skin, his face, his hands, feet, legs, arms, and hair. I had to take a lifetimes worth of time with my son and squeeze it into the next few hours. Along with the many pictures I took (wish I would of took a couple hundred), a lady came in, I forget her name and the organization she was with but she did his hand and foot prints with blue ink on a canvas, took a mold of his hand, and just made me feel better all together.
After she left, we requested to have a Chaplain come in to bless Joshua. She didn't show up until, I think, 10 or 11 PM because she was at home but on call and had to drive. Sleep was nearly impossible that night. I put Joshua into the little baby bed and tried to sleep. I was very uncomfortable from just giving birth, it was impossible to relax. For some reason I had the sudden urge to check on him and make sure he was ok. It's so sad to look back on it and think about that moment and how I wanted to make sure my son, my still son was alright. The next morning Josh and Charmaine got up and ready to drive home to get some of my things but on their way out, the nurse said that I'd be ok to go if I wanted to. We decided that we were going to go home later that day because we figured if we stayed another night with him then it would be harder to let go. We spent the next few hours taking pictures and loving on him. I had to make Josh hold his son because he was so scared to. I died when I saw the two of them together. All Josh did was look down at him and cry. I have NEVER seen such pain coming from him. He is the type of person to hold everything in and be the strong one. The first time I saw him hold our son I saw a new side of Josh and although it didn't feel like it in the following months after Joshua died, but I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. It confirmed all of my feelings.
We decided to leave around 1PM, so Josh and Charmaine took some stuff down to the car. There was one thing I couldn't wait to do and to feel.. Joshua laying on my chest while resting his head on my shoulder.. so while they were gone, I laid him gently onto my chest so I can feel his cheek on mine. That was the best feeling in the world and I wish it never had to end. We wanted to take his outfit home so I undressed him and then wrapped him back up in his blanket. They gave us a beautiful memory box to put all this belongings in.
I remember that moment when I knew it was time to go and the strength I had to find within myself to let him go. We requested that they take him out of the room so that it didn't feel like we were leaving him. I spent 18 hours with my son when I should of had a lifetime. We had to leave the hospital empty handed. I was crying so hard as she pushed me in the wheelchair to our car and felt even worse knowing that everyone was starring at me. Thankfully, she made sure we had the elevator to ourselves. We had to drive 2 hours to get back home and I think I cried the whole way home. It was on that car ride that Josh told me that his friend from work and his wife were pregnant and due in April. It was in that moment that I realized that every time I hear about someone being pregnant or having a baby, it's going to kill me... and it does. It seemed like everyone then was having a baby or getting pregnant then. It was like a constant slap in the face that I don't get that chance to be happy with Joshua. Walking into the house was a nightmare because there were baby things everywhere. His swing, play pen, high chair, and other small things were in the living room and had to be moved. Josh's dad then came and drove us to the cemetery to show us a place for Joshua. There is a little section called the Plot of Angels and is specially for babies who have passed. We knew right away that it was the spot and that he would like to be with all the other babies. Once we got back, my mom, aunt, and cousin came to visit me. I told them the story of his birth without crying because I was proud of how strong I was. The next day we spent making all of the arrangements. We went to the funeral home and picked out the casket, the cemetery to sign papers for the burial spot, and to the florist to order the flowers for the viewing.
We were told that Joshua's skin was starting to blister so his viewing would have to be closed casket, but we can have an open one the day before on Saturday just for family. I was happy that our families were able to see him but it was so heartbreaking to see such a little casket. I wrote a few letters to Joshua when I was pregnant, hoping some day he could read them when he was older, and I wrote one last letter to him after we lost him. Those letters, our picture, and some other gifts from people were put into the casket for him to be buried with.
Sunday was the public viewing and I was surprised to see how many people showed up. Since it was closed casket, we printed out some pictures so everyone can see what he looked like.
It was heartbreaking, but heartwarming, and also physically painful seeing person after person. Heartbreaking because I didn't want to be seeing them there, heartwarming because they did show up, and physically painful because everyone kept hugging me so hard but I was so full of milk and they hurt so bad. That was yet another reminder of this unfair life I had to continue living. We woke up the next morning for our last goodbye to our child. I was laying on the couch watching TV, emotionally numb and not really thinking about anything, and I started getting the worst pain in my stomach. The pain was almost unbearable and I made myself throw up to try and relieve the pain. It was so intense and I was so scared that I was going to feel this for the funeral. I'm not sure if it was my subconscious and my nerves making me feel that way but it was terrible. I did end up finding relief after getting a shower, thank goodness. The ceremony was very beautiful; they had a white dove that they let everyone pet before they released it. They gave my mom, Charmaine, and myself a feather to keep.
They played a Josh Groban song that made me cry ten times worse. I had to bury my child on the same day I should of been giving birth to him. And just like that.. it's over. Our last day to say goodbye and time to start living this new life you never wanted. Time to wake up every morning with a piece of you missing. Just living life inside the house was hard because I was constantly reminded of it, but then to go out and be around people that don't know was even harder. Josh took a week and a half off, and we took some of the money we got to buy a curio cabinet for Joshua.
I thought I would be too scared to look at him but once he entered this world, that was all I wanted to do. The thought of his silence and not hearing him cry never crossed my mind for some reason. This was my first pregnancy, my first baby, and I really didn't know what to expect. I didn't get to hold him right away because she handed him to one of the nurses. Joshua weighed 6 pounds, 2.5 ounces and was 20 inches long. It's funny because I weighed 6lbs, 3oz when I was born. They asked me if I wanted to give him a bath and I ended up saying no because I was so tired. Now, that is the one thing I regret. I wish so badly I would have because that was my only chance. It might have been better though because the nurse said that his skin started peeling when she was washing him. He was very purple and swollen but he looked perfect to me. He had his fathers nose, lips, and even the same eyebrows that made him look mad just like it does to Josh. When Josh takes his glasses off you can really see it. I was mentally numb, in shock, and the sobs would come in spurts. I'd be fine one minute and the next I would lose it. It's a feeling that no one will ever experience or understand unless it happened to them. You hurt emotionally but there is physical pain that comes with it. It's hard to describe but I felt it in my chest.. like I was getting hit by a linebacker. The thought of knowing that this terrible, unimaginable nightmare has happened to you and there is nothing you can do to change it.. this thought creates the pain. It's like you hit a wall.. because you want so badly to have your child and live the life you planned on but you can't. To look forward knowing it's going to hurt so bad and be so hard.. everything your going to have to do. It's just..... an impossible feeling.
I didn't feel any of this while I was holding my son. Even though he was gone and even though I was so extremely tired, I held my little boy for hours. They kept asking me if I was ok holding him but I probably would of snapped if someone tried to take him from me. I was just very content laying there with him, feeling his skin, his face, his hands, feet, legs, arms, and hair. I had to take a lifetimes worth of time with my son and squeeze it into the next few hours. Along with the many pictures I took (wish I would of took a couple hundred), a lady came in, I forget her name and the organization she was with but she did his hand and foot prints with blue ink on a canvas, took a mold of his hand, and just made me feel better all together.
After she left, we requested to have a Chaplain come in to bless Joshua. She didn't show up until, I think, 10 or 11 PM because she was at home but on call and had to drive. Sleep was nearly impossible that night. I put Joshua into the little baby bed and tried to sleep. I was very uncomfortable from just giving birth, it was impossible to relax. For some reason I had the sudden urge to check on him and make sure he was ok. It's so sad to look back on it and think about that moment and how I wanted to make sure my son, my still son was alright. The next morning Josh and Charmaine got up and ready to drive home to get some of my things but on their way out, the nurse said that I'd be ok to go if I wanted to. We decided that we were going to go home later that day because we figured if we stayed another night with him then it would be harder to let go. We spent the next few hours taking pictures and loving on him. I had to make Josh hold his son because he was so scared to. I died when I saw the two of them together. All Josh did was look down at him and cry. I have NEVER seen such pain coming from him. He is the type of person to hold everything in and be the strong one. The first time I saw him hold our son I saw a new side of Josh and although it didn't feel like it in the following months after Joshua died, but I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. It confirmed all of my feelings.
We decided to leave around 1PM, so Josh and Charmaine took some stuff down to the car. There was one thing I couldn't wait to do and to feel.. Joshua laying on my chest while resting his head on my shoulder.. so while they were gone, I laid him gently onto my chest so I can feel his cheek on mine. That was the best feeling in the world and I wish it never had to end. We wanted to take his outfit home so I undressed him and then wrapped him back up in his blanket. They gave us a beautiful memory box to put all this belongings in.
I remember that moment when I knew it was time to go and the strength I had to find within myself to let him go. We requested that they take him out of the room so that it didn't feel like we were leaving him. I spent 18 hours with my son when I should of had a lifetime. We had to leave the hospital empty handed. I was crying so hard as she pushed me in the wheelchair to our car and felt even worse knowing that everyone was starring at me. Thankfully, she made sure we had the elevator to ourselves. We had to drive 2 hours to get back home and I think I cried the whole way home. It was on that car ride that Josh told me that his friend from work and his wife were pregnant and due in April. It was in that moment that I realized that every time I hear about someone being pregnant or having a baby, it's going to kill me... and it does. It seemed like everyone then was having a baby or getting pregnant then. It was like a constant slap in the face that I don't get that chance to be happy with Joshua. Walking into the house was a nightmare because there were baby things everywhere. His swing, play pen, high chair, and other small things were in the living room and had to be moved. Josh's dad then came and drove us to the cemetery to show us a place for Joshua. There is a little section called the Plot of Angels and is specially for babies who have passed. We knew right away that it was the spot and that he would like to be with all the other babies. Once we got back, my mom, aunt, and cousin came to visit me. I told them the story of his birth without crying because I was proud of how strong I was. The next day we spent making all of the arrangements. We went to the funeral home and picked out the casket, the cemetery to sign papers for the burial spot, and to the florist to order the flowers for the viewing.
We were told that Joshua's skin was starting to blister so his viewing would have to be closed casket, but we can have an open one the day before on Saturday just for family. I was happy that our families were able to see him but it was so heartbreaking to see such a little casket. I wrote a few letters to Joshua when I was pregnant, hoping some day he could read them when he was older, and I wrote one last letter to him after we lost him. Those letters, our picture, and some other gifts from people were put into the casket for him to be buried with.
Sunday was the public viewing and I was surprised to see how many people showed up. Since it was closed casket, we printed out some pictures so everyone can see what he looked like.
It was heartbreaking, but heartwarming, and also physically painful seeing person after person. Heartbreaking because I didn't want to be seeing them there, heartwarming because they did show up, and physically painful because everyone kept hugging me so hard but I was so full of milk and they hurt so bad. That was yet another reminder of this unfair life I had to continue living. We woke up the next morning for our last goodbye to our child. I was laying on the couch watching TV, emotionally numb and not really thinking about anything, and I started getting the worst pain in my stomach. The pain was almost unbearable and I made myself throw up to try and relieve the pain. It was so intense and I was so scared that I was going to feel this for the funeral. I'm not sure if it was my subconscious and my nerves making me feel that way but it was terrible. I did end up finding relief after getting a shower, thank goodness. The ceremony was very beautiful; they had a white dove that they let everyone pet before they released it. They gave my mom, Charmaine, and myself a feather to keep.
They played a Josh Groban song that made me cry ten times worse. I had to bury my child on the same day I should of been giving birth to him. And just like that.. it's over. Our last day to say goodbye and time to start living this new life you never wanted. Time to wake up every morning with a piece of you missing. Just living life inside the house was hard because I was constantly reminded of it, but then to go out and be around people that don't know was even harder. Josh took a week and a half off, and we took some of the money we got to buy a curio cabinet for Joshua.
Once Josh went back to work, I stayed home by myself. I watched a lot of Netflix but it seemed no matter what I watched there were so many triggers. One minute I would be fine and then all of a sudden I was sobbing, not crying, but the kind of sobbing that you put your whole body into. I felt really alone sometimes so when I did I would go over to the cemetery to calm me down. Even to this day I don't feel like I can really talk to anyone about him. Not just talk about him normally but talk about him and cry. I feel very alone even with Josh because he doesn't like to talk about it. He holds it in and then sometimes when he drinks then he lets it all out, but usually not to me. Time seemed to move pretty fast and the crying became less frequent. I ended up getting a job working at home so that kept me some what busy and I wouldn't cry a lot. I think I became numb to everything because I had felt so much pain that I couldn't take anymore. I thought that because I wasn't crying and I could talk about him with no problem, that this meant that I was healing and doing ok. Once that job ended for the season and I was unemployed, thats when I found out that I wasn't getting better but actually worse. I basically isolated myself from everything and everyone. I couldn't go grocery shopping by myself and that was really the only time that I went out in public. I didn't really hang out with anyone because I didn't want to. My anxieties got worse and I didn't realize it until I had to find another job.
I ended up going back to my old job, that I hated, but found that it really helped as a first step in getting back into society. It helped because I knew people and it got me out of the house. Even though it made things a little better, regular tasks still seemed impossible. I found myself not being able to go grocery shopping by myself and having a hard time talking to people. After talking with a few people, I decided to go to my doctor. He prescribed me to Paroxetine, a generic version of the anti-depressant called Paxil. It has helped a lot but not right away. I will get more into that in later posts.
I have so much to talk about and wanted a way to reach out to families, so I decided to start this blog. I hope that people will take interest in my story and use it as a way to cope, vent, and educate. If you are reading this, then I want to thank you for taking the time to read this incredibly long blog post. =]
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