Trying to be thankful...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone

Today is one of the many days where our hearts are weighed down with pain, knowing our babies won't be there for this holiday. It is hard to be thankful when your child cannot be there with you, but as angel moms, we need to be thankful for the precious baby you have created for God. 

I am thankful that I am able to keep busy today so that my mind does not take me to a sad place. Unfortunately, I cannot say this for my boyfriend. =[

He was very agitated when he woke up this morning and he just kept telling me he didn't know why. A little later he went out to shovel snow and he says to me, "this sucks."  I asked him what did and he just told me that, "it's not the same." All I needed to say was.. "do I know why?" He replied with a yes and I let it go. He does not like to talk about his emotions or get upset, so I will usually let him steer the conversation. I hate not knowing what is going on inside of him because I know there is nothing I can do. 

It is so different when dealing with males during their grief, especially because I can't even figure my own out. It is a complicated journey we are faced with, but that is what friends or family are for... and well all of us. =]

So please stay positive today.

• Try including your angel today by placing their picture somewhere in the dining room so that you can share memories
• If you have other children, you can create turkey hands together and make a special one for your angel baby
• Talk of good memories of when you were pregnant and what you feel your baby is doing in Heaven. You can discuss what kinds of foods he/she might like.. only if you feel comfortable.

Remember, it is okay to cry and if it makes anyone uncomfortable because it is a holiday, then step aside with someone who is there to support you. Or, you can always find support here. 

There are moments...

There are moments when I start thinking about what Joshua and I would be doing...

I live in Pennsylvania and today we got a couple inches of snow. I stayed home from work because the roads were so bad. Around 10:00 AM, I went to the back door to watch the snow. The weather man said that it would be a wet snow and I could definitely see that it was. There was about 2 inches on my deck and it suddenly got me excited to go out and make a little baby snowman. But then, the sadness started to set in. This could of been something that Joshua and I could have shared. He would of been 14 months old and it probably would of been his first encounter with snow. It would have been perfect. There wasn't a lot of snow on the deck so it would of been enough for him to play in for a couple of minutes. 

After a couple minutes, I had to let go of what could have been. 

So, just like that, I put my shield back up and removed it from my thoughts. It is like my brain will not allow myself to go so deep into those thoughts because I am still to fragile. I fear that if I were to let myself get there then, well, I might harm myself somehow... even though I would never want to. It is just so hard to feel that pain. Sometimes I feel like I am making progress, but then it seems sometimes like I never even moved one step forward. 

This is a never ending battle.. and I will never win. But at least we are not alone.

If anyone out there is also experiencing this wonderful Thanksgiving Eve weather, please be safe. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday, or at least try. I know it will be hard, just like it always is, but that is what family is for. If it is family support that you lack, then that is why you have us. =]

Stay safe and positive this Thanksgiving!

♥

Return to Zero

When I first heard they were making this movie I was shocked, excited, scared, but still happy. There is not one movie out there like it. In today's society, it is taboo to talk about the death of a baby, infant, or child. So, for them to finally break some of the silence was overwhelming. For those of you who have not yet seen this film, you can find it here. 

This is the type of movie that someone should watch especially if they have never suffered such a loss. It gives them a glimpse into our world and what we had to go through and are still going through. I know that they have played it a few more times on Lifetime, but not as often as I would of thought. 

one by one
we can break the silence

♥

So, I designed a silly T-Shirt

I am all about breaking the silence and tonight I thought I'd have some fun and create a T-shirt to raise awareness. Whether anyone would actually buy it, who knows. But, this is all part of my healing. If you would like to view the shirt, visit:

Break The Silence


In addition, any money earned will go towards creating memory boxes for some local hospitals in my area. Sadly, these hospitals do not have anything for parents in the time of their loss, they are just sent home with nothing.

Please help to raise money and awareness!

Coming home to a house full of baby stuff...

You have left the hospital with empty arms after loosing your child, only to come home to their nursery filled with their belongings. Your devastated, heartbroken, sore from child birth, and crying to have to leave without your baby. Then, to walk inside and see the baby swing, stroller, car seat, and toys... the pain starts all over again. Some people feel the need to remove the items permanently to move on with their loss, where as others find that eventually it is comforting to keep them. I have found some ways to help with this decision and would like to share.

Before I walked into the house, after a 2 hour long drive from the hospital, my boyfriends mother went inside to move all the obvious triggers. After a couple weeks, I worked up the courage to pack some of his things for storage; I cried the entire time. I would calm down for a second, and then break out into sobs when I saw an outfit that I couldn't wait to see on him. We basically straightened up the room so nothing got damaged or ruined and covered the bigger things with plastic. I go in there every now and then and try to picture what life would of been like.. but it's impossible. How can you imagine a life that never began?

There are many things that you can do with your baby's things:

• Pack the items for storage if you are planning to have another child. Even if your next baby isn't the same gender, there are ways you can change some items. 
• If there are some pieces of clothing or furniture that you know you will not want to keep, then one option is to donate them in your child's name. This is a great idea for their angelversary and to keep their memory alive. 
• If you eventually do have another child and would like to keep some of their brother or sisters things, you can incorporate them in their room. Leave one wall the same as the nursery and dedicate it to them. It will be like they are sharing a room. 
• For things like diapers and baby wipes, definitely save the diapers if you plan on having another child. If not, then you can donate them. For the baby wipes, I am not sure how long they would take to dry up, but what I did was I started using them. They worked great for little messes or just some quick cleaning in the bathroom.
• If you find that it is too much to keep these items, a great idea would be to sell them at a yard sale or on Ebay, BUT use the money earned to create memory boxes for hospitals. I was lucky enough to have received one and it really really helps. 

These are a few ways that you can take something so tragic and turn it into something positive. I hope this helps at least a little. =]

Thank you all. 

This is a little different for me...

I am not used to sharing my problems publicly, so I am a little out of my comfort zone. I am scared to share this blog with people but I pray that it can be a healthy outlet for us all. Sharing my feelings has been a recent development and it all started the day I lost Joshua. I mean, what else is there that you can do? Sitting around by yourself and holding in your feelings is not the way to go.

So, today, I am going to put in a little effort to bring some brave, strong, and amazing people to my blog. Some of my pages are not complete yet, but if you would please be patient with me. =] I appreciate you taking your time to read what I have to say. And just remember, please don't judge anyone!

Thank you all so much for your support.

I'm happy...

Yesterday I finally got a good head start on this blog and it makes me feel good! After spending so much time not wanting to do anything but watch Netflix, I have finally pushed myself to do something that will hopefully make other people feel a little better. There is nothing that anyone can say to me or I can say to anyone that will ever take the pain away of losing a child, we can just make the best of what we have.

A few months after losing Joshua, when I was able to finally return back to work, I found that I kept hearing the same line from a lot of people. "You will get over it". I can't even stress to you enough, how angry that made me. I understand that they don't know how it feels and probably don't know what to say, but wouldn't it just be best to say nothing at all?

But.. what I always say back to them is..

"I will not get over it, but I will learn how to live with it".

I think it is our responsibility to educate people on this subject and teach them how to talk to people who have suffered any kind of loss. Most people don't realize how bad someone is hurting inside and how their words can almost make it worse. This is our time to grieve and heal, but from what I have found (maybe in my own situation) is that there are not too many people (even some friends) who forget what has happened to you, don't offer any kind of support, or only make things worse. I never thought, in my life, that I would EVER be on anti-depressants. I hate the fact that I am but it is the only thing that gives me that push to get up in the morning. Trust me.. I'd much rather each junk and watch TV all day.

My lesson for today...

Regardless of who the person is, whether they have ever suffered a loss, you should always be sensitive to someones feelings. You never know what they have going on inside their head. It can be more than anyone could imagine.

The worst, most painful, weird, crazy, and fast year of my life.

It felt like our life just snapped back into our old life, the life we had before I was even pregnant. For the first few months Josh and I were doing good. We tried our best to help each other, for a while. I needed Josh so bad emotionally because he is my rock, he went through it with me, and because Joshua was a part of him. I felt so lonely and Josh was the only one who could make me feel better. Sadly, his grief silently took over. I would express my feelings about needing him to just hold me while I cried, but he would get mad. It felt like he didn't even want me around. I started to think that he blamed me for Joshua's death, even though he would tell me over and over he didn't. I was so hard on myself and that just made things worse. I had gained so much weight and couldn't fit into any clothes, so I would be in sweats all day long. My self esteem was down and I had no motivation. Going out in public seemed like a nightmare. Not many people know what it's like to hide their tears while standing in line at the deli, or have people look at you and wonder why I am crying as I walk passed the baby section. I decided then to go back to work to see if it helps being around people I knew. It ended up being a good step forward emotionally, but a step backward financially. When I came back, the company started me as a new hire, like I was never even there. While I was gone, they changed the starting pay, $2.38 lower than before. It was still not enough. I went to the doctor because I knew I was stuck and there was no way I could get myself out of it. After listening to me talk for a few short minutes, he prescribed me 20mg of Paroxetine, the generic version of Paxil. And so it begins....

The pills didn't take long to start taking effect. After the first few days I noticed a change in the way I felt. I was still the same emotionally, just dopey. The pills started to give me a drugged feeling and made me very sleepy. It was hard getting up in the morning, then driving to work, and staying awake when I got home. Despite these symptoms, I continued taking them because eventually, I did notice a difference. I was smiling more, laughing more, and being more positive. My attitude changed about everything, but I didn't notice the change until being off them. Since I was feeling good emotionally, the drugged feeling started outweighing the good. I got very angry one day and decided I wasn't going to feel like this anymore. For 3 days, I stopped taking the pill, even though I knew better. I slowly started feeling normal and not so dopey. Then, the depression kicked in full blast. I couldn't get out of bed and end up missing work, only to sit there and ball my eyes out that I caused this. Feeling terrible, I called the doctor. They told me to start taking half of a pill, 10mg, at dinner time so that I wouldn't be so tired in the morning. Finally, everything was good. I felt so much better and strong. I was able to get through Joshua's first birthday because of it. And of course, I make a another decision. I felt so good and positive, which then led to Josh and I to agreeing to trying to conceive another child. The day after we agreed, I called the doctor to let them know. I was given instructions to take a half of a pill every other day for 10 days so I can be weaned off the medicine. After I few days I started noticing this awful dizziness that last every second of the day. I called the doctor, once again, and let him know how I was feeling. My doctor then consulted an OB/GYN to find out what would be ok for me to take while trying to conceive and eventually be pregnant on. I was then prescribed 25 MG of Zoloft. After the first night of taking the first pill of Zoloft, I woke up feeling much better. The dizziness was no where as strong as it was before. I've been taking this for a little over one month, and all though it has helped, it's not working as good as Paxil. Paxil gave me horrible side effects but at a point, it did the job. I started finding other things to help me cope with my depression.

There are many things I discovered in the first year of my grief and this is why I am creating this blog. I want to share the things that have helped me, in hope that I may be able to help someone else. This journey, in grief, will never end, but it's only up to us to have the strength to get up every morning and make it through the day.

Journey