There are moments when I start thinking about what Joshua and I would be doing...
I live in Pennsylvania and today we got a couple inches of snow. I stayed home from work because the roads were so bad. Around 10:00 AM, I went to the back door to watch the snow. The weather man said that it would be a wet snow and I could definitely see that it was. There was about 2 inches on my deck and it suddenly got me excited to go out and make a little baby snowman. But then, the sadness started to set in. This could of been something that Joshua and I could have shared. He would of been 14 months old and it probably would of been his first encounter with snow. It would have been perfect. There wasn't a lot of snow on the deck so it would of been enough for him to play in for a couple of minutes.
After a couple minutes, I had to let go of what could have been.
So, just like that, I put my shield back up and removed it from my thoughts. It is like my brain will not allow myself to go so deep into those thoughts because I am still to fragile. I fear that if I were to let myself get there then, well, I might harm myself somehow... even though I would never want to. It is just so hard to feel that pain. Sometimes I feel like I am making progress, but then it seems sometimes like I never even moved one step forward.
This is a never ending battle.. and I will never win. But at least we are not alone.
If anyone out there is also experiencing this wonderful Thanksgiving Eve weather, please be safe. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday, or at least try. I know it will be hard, just like it always is, but that is what family is for. If it is family support that you lack, then that is why you have us. =]
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