The worst, most painful, weird, crazy, and fast year of my life.

It felt like our life just snapped back into our old life, the life we had before I was even pregnant. For the first few months Josh and I were doing good. We tried our best to help each other, for a while. I needed Josh so bad emotionally because he is my rock, he went through it with me, and because Joshua was a part of him. I felt so lonely and Josh was the only one who could make me feel better. Sadly, his grief silently took over. I would express my feelings about needing him to just hold me while I cried, but he would get mad. It felt like he didn't even want me around. I started to think that he blamed me for Joshua's death, even though he would tell me over and over he didn't. I was so hard on myself and that just made things worse. I had gained so much weight and couldn't fit into any clothes, so I would be in sweats all day long. My self esteem was down and I had no motivation. Going out in public seemed like a nightmare. Not many people know what it's like to hide their tears while standing in line at the deli, or have people look at you and wonder why I am crying as I walk passed the baby section. I decided then to go back to work to see if it helps being around people I knew. It ended up being a good step forward emotionally, but a step backward financially. When I came back, the company started me as a new hire, like I was never even there. While I was gone, they changed the starting pay, $2.38 lower than before. It was still not enough. I went to the doctor because I knew I was stuck and there was no way I could get myself out of it. After listening to me talk for a few short minutes, he prescribed me 20mg of Paroxetine, the generic version of Paxil. And so it begins....

The pills didn't take long to start taking effect. After the first few days I noticed a change in the way I felt. I was still the same emotionally, just dopey. The pills started to give me a drugged feeling and made me very sleepy. It was hard getting up in the morning, then driving to work, and staying awake when I got home. Despite these symptoms, I continued taking them because eventually, I did notice a difference. I was smiling more, laughing more, and being more positive. My attitude changed about everything, but I didn't notice the change until being off them. Since I was feeling good emotionally, the drugged feeling started outweighing the good. I got very angry one day and decided I wasn't going to feel like this anymore. For 3 days, I stopped taking the pill, even though I knew better. I slowly started feeling normal and not so dopey. Then, the depression kicked in full blast. I couldn't get out of bed and end up missing work, only to sit there and ball my eyes out that I caused this. Feeling terrible, I called the doctor. They told me to start taking half of a pill, 10mg, at dinner time so that I wouldn't be so tired in the morning. Finally, everything was good. I felt so much better and strong. I was able to get through Joshua's first birthday because of it. And of course, I make a another decision. I felt so good and positive, which then led to Josh and I to agreeing to trying to conceive another child. The day after we agreed, I called the doctor to let them know. I was given instructions to take a half of a pill every other day for 10 days so I can be weaned off the medicine. After I few days I started noticing this awful dizziness that last every second of the day. I called the doctor, once again, and let him know how I was feeling. My doctor then consulted an OB/GYN to find out what would be ok for me to take while trying to conceive and eventually be pregnant on. I was then prescribed 25 MG of Zoloft. After the first night of taking the first pill of Zoloft, I woke up feeling much better. The dizziness was no where as strong as it was before. I've been taking this for a little over one month, and all though it has helped, it's not working as good as Paxil. Paxil gave me horrible side effects but at a point, it did the job. I started finding other things to help me cope with my depression.

There are many things I discovered in the first year of my grief and this is why I am creating this blog. I want to share the things that have helped me, in hope that I may be able to help someone else. This journey, in grief, will never end, but it's only up to us to have the strength to get up every morning and make it through the day.