♥

It's been a long time since I posted..

I kind of shifted direction for a little bit because I felt good after writing my story. Reading our story opened my eyes for a little bit to show me that no matter how hard a journey is, you feel strong because you made it through it.

BUT....

Then I went back to being lost and emotional again. You start to think, maybe I can keep this up for a long time, then BAM!!!! Grief hits you all over again, and it's like your re-living that nightmare all over again. The nightmare of the way they looked at you and told you they were sorry... never understanding the moment of impact, when it feels like somebody ripped your soul right out of your body. The physical body aches you feel knowing this can't be undone.

This is the way I describe my pain, my grief, and my sorrow.

At first, when I started this blog, I had different things in mind, and I wanted to get tons of followers... But now, it doesn't matter how many people read this. It matters WHO it is reading and who it is that shares a similar story.

This life is real and I found comfort in writing, and describing, the things that I feel as an individual. I just hope to give ideas to anyone who shares this pain.

Trying to be thankful...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone

Today is one of the many days where our hearts are weighed down with pain, knowing our babies won't be there for this holiday. It is hard to be thankful when your child cannot be there with you, but as angel moms, we need to be thankful for the precious baby you have created for God. 

I am thankful that I am able to keep busy today so that my mind does not take me to a sad place. Unfortunately, I cannot say this for my boyfriend. =[

He was very agitated when he woke up this morning and he just kept telling me he didn't know why. A little later he went out to shovel snow and he says to me, "this sucks."  I asked him what did and he just told me that, "it's not the same." All I needed to say was.. "do I know why?" He replied with a yes and I let it go. He does not like to talk about his emotions or get upset, so I will usually let him steer the conversation. I hate not knowing what is going on inside of him because I know there is nothing I can do. 

It is so different when dealing with males during their grief, especially because I can't even figure my own out. It is a complicated journey we are faced with, but that is what friends or family are for... and well all of us. =]

So please stay positive today.

• Try including your angel today by placing their picture somewhere in the dining room so that you can share memories
• If you have other children, you can create turkey hands together and make a special one for your angel baby
• Talk of good memories of when you were pregnant and what you feel your baby is doing in Heaven. You can discuss what kinds of foods he/she might like.. only if you feel comfortable.

Remember, it is okay to cry and if it makes anyone uncomfortable because it is a holiday, then step aside with someone who is there to support you. Or, you can always find support here. 

There are moments...

There are moments when I start thinking about what Joshua and I would be doing...

I live in Pennsylvania and today we got a couple inches of snow. I stayed home from work because the roads were so bad. Around 10:00 AM, I went to the back door to watch the snow. The weather man said that it would be a wet snow and I could definitely see that it was. There was about 2 inches on my deck and it suddenly got me excited to go out and make a little baby snowman. But then, the sadness started to set in. This could of been something that Joshua and I could have shared. He would of been 14 months old and it probably would of been his first encounter with snow. It would have been perfect. There wasn't a lot of snow on the deck so it would of been enough for him to play in for a couple of minutes. 

After a couple minutes, I had to let go of what could have been. 

So, just like that, I put my shield back up and removed it from my thoughts. It is like my brain will not allow myself to go so deep into those thoughts because I am still to fragile. I fear that if I were to let myself get there then, well, I might harm myself somehow... even though I would never want to. It is just so hard to feel that pain. Sometimes I feel like I am making progress, but then it seems sometimes like I never even moved one step forward. 

This is a never ending battle.. and I will never win. But at least we are not alone.

If anyone out there is also experiencing this wonderful Thanksgiving Eve weather, please be safe. I hope you all have a wonderful holiday, or at least try. I know it will be hard, just like it always is, but that is what family is for. If it is family support that you lack, then that is why you have us. =]

Stay safe and positive this Thanksgiving!

♥

Return to Zero

When I first heard they were making this movie I was shocked, excited, scared, but still happy. There is not one movie out there like it. In today's society, it is taboo to talk about the death of a baby, infant, or child. So, for them to finally break some of the silence was overwhelming. For those of you who have not yet seen this film, you can find it here. 

This is the type of movie that someone should watch especially if they have never suffered such a loss. It gives them a glimpse into our world and what we had to go through and are still going through. I know that they have played it a few more times on Lifetime, but not as often as I would of thought. 

one by one
we can break the silence

♥

So, I designed a silly T-Shirt

I am all about breaking the silence and tonight I thought I'd have some fun and create a T-shirt to raise awareness. Whether anyone would actually buy it, who knows. But, this is all part of my healing. If you would like to view the shirt, visit:

Break The Silence


In addition, any money earned will go towards creating memory boxes for some local hospitals in my area. Sadly, these hospitals do not have anything for parents in the time of their loss, they are just sent home with nothing.

Please help to raise money and awareness!

Coming home to a house full of baby stuff...

You have left the hospital with empty arms after loosing your child, only to come home to their nursery filled with their belongings. Your devastated, heartbroken, sore from child birth, and crying to have to leave without your baby. Then, to walk inside and see the baby swing, stroller, car seat, and toys... the pain starts all over again. Some people feel the need to remove the items permanently to move on with their loss, where as others find that eventually it is comforting to keep them. I have found some ways to help with this decision and would like to share.

Before I walked into the house, after a 2 hour long drive from the hospital, my boyfriends mother went inside to move all the obvious triggers. After a couple weeks, I worked up the courage to pack some of his things for storage; I cried the entire time. I would calm down for a second, and then break out into sobs when I saw an outfit that I couldn't wait to see on him. We basically straightened up the room so nothing got damaged or ruined and covered the bigger things with plastic. I go in there every now and then and try to picture what life would of been like.. but it's impossible. How can you imagine a life that never began?

There are many things that you can do with your baby's things:

• Pack the items for storage if you are planning to have another child. Even if your next baby isn't the same gender, there are ways you can change some items. 
• If there are some pieces of clothing or furniture that you know you will not want to keep, then one option is to donate them in your child's name. This is a great idea for their angelversary and to keep their memory alive. 
• If you eventually do have another child and would like to keep some of their brother or sisters things, you can incorporate them in their room. Leave one wall the same as the nursery and dedicate it to them. It will be like they are sharing a room. 
• For things like diapers and baby wipes, definitely save the diapers if you plan on having another child. If not, then you can donate them. For the baby wipes, I am not sure how long they would take to dry up, but what I did was I started using them. They worked great for little messes or just some quick cleaning in the bathroom.
• If you find that it is too much to keep these items, a great idea would be to sell them at a yard sale or on Ebay, BUT use the money earned to create memory boxes for hospitals. I was lucky enough to have received one and it really really helps. 

These are a few ways that you can take something so tragic and turn it into something positive. I hope this helps at least a little. =]

Thank you all.